Journeys...

life is about the journey...enjoying the journey that is.

So along my journey, I've noticed that I experience some common emotions and psychological experiences when I start something new... I could try to elucidate this with words right now, but my brain isn't working so well...and it's probably a little too close to home at the present moment. So I'll just talk about it in a general sense or talk around it...

So currently I'm in a psychological struggle (regarding my current professional venture.) DH has mentioned it's b/c I'm such a perfectionist. So instead of doing something "not up to my standards" I just drop it and not do it at all. Which is very astute of him. Yes, I agree. And it's something I've been working on - getting rid of that "black and white" thinking... that "perfectionism" that can be a crutch. I've known this for a long time...but it usually doesn't rear it's ugly head until I'm in a "new situation" mostly (or I don't notice it). And then my strength turns into a debilitating weakness sometimes...but mostly a "shoot myself in the foot" weakness.

I also tend to be a cynic in default situations. In our discussion tonight where I was venting to DH (who's really great, listens, & gives good feedback), He voiced the exact thoughts I'd been thinking only moments apart: "like Father, like daughter." Yes, my father is a cynic, and yes, I am, by default a cynic. And it's made more pronounced when I'm around other people who are not cynics, but happy optimists who are whole-hearted believers. Believers in themselves and others...even when they may not have half the aptitude or skill...but they're believers and so they go for it anyways - and no one else is the wiser? I always wonder.

And I'm hard on myself - of course! And I don't give myself enough credit sometimes where it's due. But I've come a long way (historically from my family-of-origin)...just some default programming is still there...and so how I respond/react to things tends to follow those set neural pathways...which I've been working at changing - consciously choosing to connect new neural pathways (more optimistic, positive ones). Especially regarding artistic ventures.

It's funny...I've analyzed some of this for such a long time now. In my head, the concepts are so clear. The patterns of thought, of behavior & response, historic examples, family history, family tendencies...I see&remember my parents, my dad, my mom, my siblings... but soo much... it goes so fast in my head, that it's a jumble and I am unable to record it accurately in type (too slow). It could be a whole dissertation...not just a blog entry...

BUT I do find that I am fascinated by reading & learning about other people's journeys, their growth, improvement, progress...and I am inspired by their success...and it becomes less difficult for me to also succeed. I've always been fascinated by learning about other's psychological journeys & processes.

The human experience.

And in the end, we just look back and say, "wow, what a ride. thanks!"